Nintendo has been going from strength to strength these past couple of years. With the Switch Lite fast approaching, as well as very strong sales backing the original console, this trend looks set to continue. The Switch has done so well in fact, it has already surpassed its predecessor the Wii U, and as of the last fiscal quarter has sold nearly 37 million consoles – keeping pace with the PlayStation 4 at the same stage of its life cycle.
In spite of this, the Switch’s sales performed below expectations, at least according to investors and the company’s own lofty projections, leaving Nintendo needing a win. When searching for this win, some may point to new first-party releases like Fire Emblem: Three Houses or perhaps the next generation of Pokémon games, or even the impending hardware sales to be expected from the Switch Lite.
I am not one of those people.
I instead look to a higher power; a force that transcends us all. A symbol, an idea, a hero. The star of Nintendo’s most anticipated new title, as well as a meme in the making. I’m referring to the gelatinous golden… green God himself, Gooigi. Yes, that’s right, you read correctly. This article is all about Gooigi’s unbridled greatness. This is not a joke and shame on you for thinking so. This is games journalism at its finest and in no way a product of overwhelming boredom.
Our jellied, emerald saviour is on his… its way this fast-approaching October, and I, for one, welcome our new oozing overlord. No longer must we suffer through the cowardly shenanigans of the lesser half of the Mario Bros.; too meek to step out of his short, stout brother’s sizeable shadow. Never again shall we have to settle for this sub-par imitator; this imperfect version of our one true champion.
With Gooigi, Nintendo has struck gold. Gooey, squishy, glistening gold – that’s also green. As the dust settled from Nintendo’s reveal of Luigi’s Mansion 3, I’m sure I speak for the majority of those watching when I say there was only one question on everyone’s lips, “why isn’t it titled Gooigi’s Mansion?” Unlike his cowardly namesake, our saviour was shown as the true hero of the title’s E3 2019 trailer – unwavering in his confrontation of treacherous floor spikes, performing feats unachievable by those not of a glutinous persuasion, and even assisting those below his station such as the titular ‘hero’. After all, he is the antithesis of the shamrock charlatan – standing (jiggling) as an exemplary paragon of righteousness and bravery, unafraid of even the most formidable foes; refusing to back down against his age-old enemy, water, even if it means his demise.
All whilst his pathetic excuse for a counterpart flees at the mere sight of an ethereal being or two.
But it’s not just Luigi that should be fearful – even though that’s his default state nowadays – no, the entire Mushroom Kingdom has been put on notice. That’s right Mario, Gooigi is goo’na get you, and then he’ll show you how a protagonist acts. Disregarding the fact that this deadbeat plumber hasn’t fixed a toilet in his entire tenure as part of Nintendo’s line-up – content to pal around with a washed-up blue hedgehog, participating in mock versions of the Olympics, as well as a plethora of spin-offs with other meaningless side characters – this plump turtle-stomper is finally about to have his place as Nintendo’s premiere mascot usurped. Well, not usurped. The use of that word implies that this position belonged to the red pretender to begin with. When, in fact, we all know that he acts as nothing but a glorified benchwarmer for the one true king.
In fact, all of Nintendo’s mascots, assuming any achieve sentience between now and the release of Luigi’s Mansion 3, should be looking over their shoulder in frightful anticipation of the teal terror. From the bloated, moustachioed tyrant who has long outstayed his welcome to the elf-fairy bloke with a penchant for glowing triangles, all should prostrate themselves before their new sludge-born ruler. And they’re not the only ones. We must all accept Gooigi into our lives. It is important to remember that by accepting Gooigi as our lord, we facilitate the preservation of not only Nintendo, but the will of our lime-coloured leader.
Others may argue that Gooigi is not the symbol I make him out to be, that he is not to be venerated. Some may even claim that I am misguided in my adoration of this viscous vestige of hope and dismiss the notion that established and beloved characters such as Donkey Kong, Samus or even Kirby could be ousted by such a figure as laughable. These people would by all accounts be, subjectively and objectively, wrong. Heretics, lost by the wayside, too adrift to be reached by our master’s message. But there is no need to fear. Gooigi is a gracious God and a forgiving one at that. All it will take is a little time and you’ll see. Just stare into Gooigi’s vacant, expressionless, jade-tinted eyes and succumb to the realisation that this is all that you shall ever need. Now, say it with me. Praise Gooigi!
Okay, so obviously this started as a joke and escalated the further down the rabbit hole I went. I’m truly sorry. I won’t lie, it got super cult-y. I honestly just wanted to have a little bit of fun with this article and do a different kind of preview. Well, it was certainly different. So, to cap this all off, Gooigi… Luigi’s Mansion 3 releases on the Nintendo Switch on the 31st of October 2019. It’s sure to be a spooky day in the Mushroom Kingdom. So, do you intend to pick it up? What do you plan on playing this coming Halloween? Do you have better things to do than play games this coming holiday season? Have you accepted Gooigi as your mushy messiah? Do you think Nintendo will rebound from failing to meet their sales targets? Be sure to let me know down below!
(P.S. Praise Gooigi)